Help!

I’m not Christian (wow, big shocker). Despite that fact, my family has long celebrated the traditions of the holiest of Christian holidays (It is Christmas right? Or is it Easter? Either way, I’m talking about Christmas here.), less the fancy Eve dinner, yule log, egg nog, ugly sweaters, requisite visit to Church, and you know, the general belief in Christ.

(Actually, I’m not really religious so I’m not really sure about that one. Does anyone know if Hinduism/Jainism believes, or even acknowledges, the existence of the J-Man? What is the view on that? Though he’s not a part of the primary belief structure, is he acknowledged as an important figure elsewhere? Or is he simply just another man, caught between a past life of being a goat, and a future life of being a lion – you know, because he had a beard. Or do we not even go that far? “He wasn’t a Hindu? Then he didn’t exist. Nope. Shh. Hey, I said SHH! You will disturb Gods 1 through 4!”)

(Yes, I’m probably going to Hell for that. Or coming back as a cockroach or something.)

(This hole just gets deeper.)

For my family, Christmas is pretty much just about three things. The tree, the lights, and of course, the free crap.

Over the years, as my sister and I grew up, the extent of our celebration evolved. When my sister and I moved out for college, and eventually careers, gone was the motivation for creating a big spectacle of trees and lights. Christmas became more about the trip home to Florida and the relaxing break from cold temperatures.

And I like to think that I became more mature. Though I still enjoy material luxuries, I humbly answer “nothing” when asked what I want for Christmas, respectful of the financial hit my parents undertook raising me, and the idea that they should start enjoying their own money a little bit.

(Of course, this generally doesn’t matter. Christmas gifts are still given, just not around Christmas. When I moved to the city in 2004, I lived on a friend’s floor for 6 weeks, then spent my all of the pay I earned getting an apartment of my own. My parents funded the purchase of a bed for me to sleep on, calling it a Christmas gift (though I received it in September). Similarly, a digital camera one October, a couple of plain plane tickets home last summer, a new pair of shoes in spring – all written off as ‘Christmas’ gifts.)

(Also, another reason for not asking for anything is because I haven’t found anything of a moderate price range to ask for. Some of the things I’d love to own are way too expensive to ask for – LCD tv, DSLR Camera, Laptop. Others, like Nachos Belgrandes, are inexpensive to the point that I can just go ahead and go buy them myself.)

In any case, now that I earn my own income, I enjoy (to a certain extent) being able to purchase gifts for my family. The only thing is, I suck at it. I’m good at treating them to dinner when they visit in New York, but when it comes to purchasing material goods, I’m terrible. Not only do I lack the ability to think up meaningful gifts for my loved ones, I lack the ability to ever pull the trigger when the time comes. Those who know me know that I make shopping decisions at a slow pace, the pace that a snail might have walking uphill against the wind on a broken foot with a baby snail on its back.

So with Christmas around the corner, I am starting to freak out a little. I have absolutely zero clue what to get my family for Christmas.

Though not ideal, I can probably blow my parents off, saying “I just paid 400 bucks to get here, you expected a gift too?!”

To which they’ll say, “No of course not, son, we’re just glad you’re home. Now here, eat all this food we made for you while we shower you with love and ignore your little sister for the entire week you’re home, since she only lives an hour away and we see her all the time anyway.”

To which I’ll say “Sweet. Thanks. Hey sis, can you grab me a Diet Coke?”

To which she’ll say “But you’re standing right in front of the fridge.”

To which I’ll say “Yes, I know, but I just paid 400 bucks and flew 1200 miles to come home. Show me some love. I mean come on, I just bought you a [blank], which cost upwards of 100 bucks.” [In resume school, they teach you to quantify for effect.]

The [blank] is the hard part. I never know what to get my sister. Usually, I end up waiting for her to pick something out, point to it, and say “buy me that.”

And each year, right about this time (7 days to go), I tell myself that I’d really like to be original this year. To give my sister (and my parents) a gift that I thought up myself (or at least without their help). Most years, I fail to do so. This year I’m hoping for change. So my faithful readers, I ask you, please give me your suggestions, because I need all the help I can get.

And if you’re reading this and you’re my sister, seriously, just tell me what you want.