On a typical work day spent at a client site, I usually swipe my badge at the door, greet the receptionist, and head toward my desk. However, as I walked up to the client’s building today, something didn’t feel right. Though I couldn’t tell what was going on inside, from a distance, it seemed like something was happening. And when I reached the door, I saw what it was.

Tissue boxes. Everywhere.

I swiped my card, entered the building, gave the receptionist a quizzical “Hello” and headed toward the elevator. “Hang on a second,” she said, “can you initial next to your name on this list?” She hands me a clipboard, as well as a box of tissues and a bottle of hand-sanitizer.

“Sure. What’s going on?”

“Avian Flu Preparations,” she says, and hands me a sheet of paper.

“Avian Flu?” My brain starts whirling. Did something happen? Did I miss something on the way to work today? Was there an outbreak? My throat has been hurting all week. Do I have bird flu?

“We’re just giving out free tissues and hand-sanitizer. Let me know if you need more.”

I walked away with a sigh of relief. Reading the sheet of paper, I saw that it was just a case of mild paranoia. And by mild paranoia I mean uber-paranoia. And by uber-paranoia, I mean the type of paranoia that should be properly spelled in German with the two dots above the ‘u’ for emphasis. (Unfortunately, I’m too lazy to figure out how to do this and instead spent the last 10 seconds writing this sentence.)

A selection of excerpts from the memo:

Late last year, we initiated a readiness program to ensure that we are prepared if an avian influenza outbreak occurs…a cross-functional group of employees has been working to formulate emergency response strategies to further strengthen our overall preparedness in the event of such an outbreak.

Pause to catch breath and contemplate how much time is on their hands.

Working with corporate and local health authorities, these committees have been developing policies that contain detailed guidelines and action plans designed to protect the health and safety of our employees, ensure the continuity of our business operations, and maintain service to our customers.

What about providing for the common defense, promoting the general Welfare, and securing the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity? Don’t those mean ANYTHING to you?

At the present time, according to the World Health Organization, the world is currently in Phase 3 of the Influenza Pandemic Phases, meaning that there are currently few or no human-to-human transmissions of the avian flu.

So, this whole tissue and sanitizer thing is a bit much?

The following is a brief description of how [the tissues and sanitizer] may be used.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure I don’t need instructions. Thanks.

ANTI-VIRAL FACIAL TISSUES
These tissues trap and kill 99.9% of cold and flu viruses in the tissue within 15 minutes.

Only 99.9% effectivness? What if that last 0.1% is bird flu?

They’re perfect for use in any public area.

Should some tissues not be used in public?

And lastly, some motherly advice.

*REMEMBER* Wash your hands. Do it after you sneeze or cough; after you use the bathroom; before you eat; before you touch your eyes, nose, or mouth.

Cover your cough. When you cough or sneeze cover it with a tissue, or with the back of your sleeve.

So while the rest of the world lives in the fear of Phase 3 Avian Flu, I’ll sleep well at night (OK, only 99.9% well) knowing I’ve got my anti-viral tissues, sanitizing hand gel, and the back of my sleeve.