Last Friday was my company’s annual Promotion Day, a day set aside for the whole company to celebrate the announcement of the new promotes for the year. The firm goes all out - the day consists of 3-4k people gathering in a big venue, some rah-rah speeches from leadership, a surprise guest speaker, and then a party. Last year’s event took place at the MSG Theater and featured Pat Riley. This year the venue was moved to the Javits Center, and the guest speaker was Bill Cosby. Yes, that Bill Cosby.

As amazing as that sounds, let me just tell you that it was not. The guy is old and senile, and his speech was less fun than a conversation with my mother. To be fair, he opened strong. With a couple of “Jello” jokes and some classic Cosby facial expressions, he made us all laugh and remember his good years. But his speech took a turn for the worse, when he transitioned to a story about the start of his career. Despite being a story about his start as a stand up comic, the story had very little, if any, comedic value. I think it was supposed to be one of those motivational or inspirational stories, the kind where at the end, the speaker would say something like “You see, all my hard work paid off.” But in this case, if there was a point to be made, it was not. In fact, after rambling for about 20 minutes, he even said “Now what is the point of all of this?” and opted for another lengthy diatribe which did nothing to answer the question. I’ve never seen someone tank so bad. The guy got a standing ovation at the mere announcement of his name. At the end of the speech, however, the only people standing were the ones trying to get a head start to the bar.

The next part of the festivities consisted of a big America-themed (don’t ask me why) party with food and drinks. Although free booze is fun, this happened to be a beer and wine only event. The event was scheduled to go until 4, but some of the managers in my group decided to get a head start on the afterparty. Around 2:30, a bunch of us headed over to a nearby bar, where corporate cards were thrown down and an ungodly amount of shots were consumed. Good times were had, but I found myself passed out in bed by the time most Friday night partiers are just starting to get their drink on.

I woke up 13 hours later with a nasty hangover. While attempting to get food, I realized my sunglasses, which I had with me during the partying the day before, were missing. Remembering only bits and pieces from the day before, I had to wait until Monday to send a mass email out to try and locate them.

Hi All,

I’m writing you because I seem to remember you seeing you at some point during the festivities on Friday. Needless to say, it was a very fun afternoon, and I woke up Saturday with a massive headache and a vague recollection of someone telling me “So-and-so has your sunglasses.”

The problem is I have no clue who told me that, nor who “So-and-so” is.

If you happened to wake up on Saturday with an extra pair of black plastic frame Gucci Duane Reade brand sunglasses (or if you know who might), please let me know. I would just go out and buy a new pair, but its too sunny out.

-Amish

Over the course of the next few hours, the replies came in, mostly consisting of “Sorry, don’t know anything” or “Nice work, jackass.” However, there were some classic gems of responses that gave true testament to the amount of drinking that had taken place.

-Holler at Karen..I just remember her wearing it at some point and then someone else wearing it at another point….and then i remember not seeing it anymore.

-Hmm. I remember someone had them on, and I remember you saying that you wanted your sunglasses back, but I can’t remember who you were talking to.

-I literally have no idea! I remember having some sunglasses on my head at some point I think but I couldn’t tell you how or why

-I do remember having them at one point, and then Karen took them off me and tried to wear them and I told her she looked bad in them and nothing could make her look good So I stole them back and then someone took them from me again but I don’t remember who….

-I’m still trying to remember that I was actually wearing them - for some reason it’s hard to recall. [from Karen]

-I woke up wearing them trying to figure out where on earth they had come from! [from Sarah, the girl who they ended up with]

-Sarah was in fact extremely concerned about the whereabouts of your sunglasses on Friday evening. In fact, this mystery may have been solved at an earlier stage where it not for the fact that in her inebriated state she got her designers mixed up and kept asking about your Rayban sunglasses…Please note that this took place while she was in fact wearing your shades.

So there you have it…. I work with a bunch of drunken monkeys. I’ve got another work event tonight - bowling. This should be interesting….