Last weekend I went home to Florida for one of my cousin’s wedding. As the eldest of the cousins on my Dad’s side, he was also the first one to get married. I’m the second-oldest of the cousins, and those of you familiar with old-fashioned Indian ways know that this means I’m next in line. I’m due.

If you know me, you know that I’m NOT ready for marriage (I have conversations in haiku and sing along to Kelly Clarkson. Mature I am not.) Still, I knew what I would be facing, and prepared myself for the barrage of comments, questions, and rationales for getting married that would be coming from aunts, uncles, family friends, and pretty much anyone else in attendance.

You’re next!

You’re 23. It’s your time.

You’re at the perfect age.

So, your wedding, next year?

I have some good girls from you. They come from good families.

Don’t you want a family?

We need to find you a wife!

You live in New York…you haven’t found a girl yet?

You shouldn’t wait any longer.

You want us to set you up with anyone?

Don’t do what he (a relative) did. He’s almost 50 years and his son is only 7.

Do you have a girlfriend? Why not?

What’s wrong with getting married now?

GET MARRIED GET MARRIED GET MARRIED

But nothing, and I mean nothing, prepared me for what one of my family’s closest friends said to me. Somewhere in his late 60s, I have known this man my entire life. He’s like a Godfather to my sister and I, he’s watched us grow up, and has been a part of every one of my family’s milestones, be it age-related, religion-related, or school-related. I treat him with the same regard as I would an actual relative, grandparent, or even parent. So I was blown away, my mind was boggled, and I literally had to walk away when this conversation took place.

Sweet Old Indian Uncle: So Amish, when are you getting married?

Amish: Haha, not any time soon!

Sweet Old Indian Uncle: Listen, [drops his voice] Masturbation is only fun for so long…

[Exit Amish, dropped jaw in hand]