My work assignment to East Bumblefuck, NJ has finally ended (for the time being). After almost 8 months out there, I’m back in the city now, working at my actual office, doing the regular mythological old 9-to-5 that I’ve become so unfamiliar with. And its crazy. I’ve lived here for two years, but have not actually worked here in so long that I forgot what its like to ride the subways regularly, to walk around Midtown during daylight, and just generally experience the life of a Manhattan yuppie.
The first couple of days were fantastic. I soaked it all in. I felt the same way I did two years ago when I first moved into the city. But, like riding a bicycle, there are some things you just never forget…and soon after, all the memories of things I hate about this city came rushing back in. For example,
People who walk slow. What is your deal? Don’t you have somewhere you need to be? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a liesurely stroll as much as the next person, but not on a weekday morning when I’m late for work. Seriously, what are you doing? Are you walking backwards? I hate you. I hate you and your friends for walking side-by-side, blocking the sidewalk like a group of 18-wheelers on the highway. I especially hate it when you
Have luggage. Where did you come from? Why are you walking? You’re obviously struggling. Are you going to a hotel? Get. Off. The. Sidewalk. And. Into. A. Cab. You. Cheap. Ass. Also, please
Stop taking pictures. Welcome to New York. We have big buildings. You don’t need to take a picture of all of them. Seriously, you just took a picture of a Starbucks. I don’t care if you work at a Starbuck’s in Deluth, Minnesota. Who takes a picture of a Starbucks? And who does it
With a disposable camera? Question….how many of those things are you buring through? Enough to buy an ACTUAL camera? You spent all that money getting to New York and now you’re talking C-grade pictures? Next time, why don’t you give ME 10 bucks, I’ll punch you in the face, and you’ll leave New York with a better memory. If you MUST take pictures, don’t do it
During rush hour. Do you not see the thousands of other people walking around? Do you think its the best time to be standing still? If you stop in front of me, I will bump into you. I won’t apologize. I will also walk right through your picture. Depending on my mood, I might smile. But I definitely won’t duck. And DO NOT try to get me to take your picture. Don’t hand me your camera. And definitely do not
Hand me a flyer. I know you’re not a tourist but I hate you just as much. If I’m walking by with headphones on and my hands in my pockets, do you think I want your flyer? Even if I was in the market for a suit or shoes or burrito, do you think I’d go buy one from you because you handed me a flyer? Also, I’m a dude. I don’t need a designer handbag. Hand your flyers to the tourists. And while you’re at it, let them know that they shouldn’t
Crowd around the MetroCard machines. I know that coming up with the answer to “Do you want a receipt?” can be difficult, but do you really need your whole family to help you out with it? Please tell Billy Bob and Sally May to wait patiently by the wall, rather than blocking the machines on either side of you.
I hate tourists. And flyer people.
Email: me [at] amishshah [dot] com
30 responses so far ↓
Jen // Apr 6, 2006 at 9:39 pm
This post is right up there with “Fashion Smashion” - too funny!
Caroline // Apr 6, 2006 at 10:17 pm
Aww you hate me cause I walk slow
… I think I’ll go cry in front of the MetroCard machine with my luggage while taking your picture with a disposable camera. And I’ll also throw in some derogatory statements just cause.
Gawker // Apr 7, 2006 at 4:58 pm
Blogorrhea NYC: Dating, Whoring, and Shopping
• For some inexplicable reason you’ve decided you want to date a banker. (Oh, right: The money.) But how to…
Gawker // Apr 7, 2006 at 5:48 pm
Blogorrhea NYC: Dating, Whoring, and Shopping
• For some inexplicable reason you’ve decided you want to date a banker. (Oh, right: The money.) But how to…
Lori // Apr 7, 2006 at 5:53 pm
These are all the exact reasons that I moved. When I started sticking my leg out to trip the upward-gazing slow-walking tourists, I knew it was time for me to go. You should try it - it’s incredibly satisfying.
Amish // Apr 7, 2006 at 10:18 pm
Lori, I haven’t had the courage to intentionally trip anyone yet, but I might try that soon.
I also left out something in my post..
People who don’t ‘Step Aside’ on the subway platform…should fucking die. Yes I just intentionally slammed my shoulder into you. No I’m not sorry.
M // Apr 7, 2006 at 10:56 pm
Um…It’s Duluth and I bet if you came here you’d get all retarded taking throw-away pictures of our short buildings and the ships passing under our stupid lift bridge. People are annoying wherever you go. Duh.
rishi // Apr 8, 2006 at 11:56 am
but we have taco bell!
Kevin Walsh // Apr 8, 2006 at 12:08 pm
>>>People who walk slow. What is your deal? Don’t you have somewhere you need to be?
I walk slow. If there’s something that interests me in the street, I stop and look. maybe I’ll take a picture. And, while I give ground if I’m really in someone’s way, I don’t really care if NYers, who rush around way too fast, don’t like it.
>>>Stop taking pictures. Welcome to New York. We have big buildings. You don’t need to take a picture of all of them.
I take pictures of big buildings, little buildings, lampposts, mailboxes, stoplights, and thousands of other things I fnd fascinating in NYC. No, I will not stop taking pictures for you.
>>>>With a disposable camera? Question….how many of those things are you buring through? Enough to buy an ACTUAL camera? You spent all that money getting to New York and now you’re talking C-grade pictures?
Not all of us can afford the lastest model. You will simply have to endure the sight of people using disposable cameras while we are in between you and your large pay check.
>>>If you stop in front of me, I will bump into you. I won’t apologize. I will also walk right through your picture.
Even when it’s not rush hour, NYers are notorious for going through rather than going around. What’s up with that?
>>>I hate tourists.
And I hate people who hate tourists.
I was born in Brooklyn and lived in NYC my whole life. I’m a tourist in my own city. I’m not sorry if I get in your way now and then.
Cheers,
http://www.forgotten-ny.com
team gingerbread // Apr 8, 2006 at 1:40 pm
I honestly think we need to be able to carry taser when walking around slow walkers.
So What's this... // Apr 8, 2006 at 1:55 pm
I’m a gawker visitor. I hope this makes you feel you have some worth, now:
“ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha” *breaths* “ha ha ha ha ha”
d // Apr 8, 2006 at 2:05 pm
Kevin — expect to be beaten. I’ll help them.
Leigh // Apr 8, 2006 at 3:59 pm
great post - you’ve managed to list all of my exact gripes with the city.
eugene // Apr 8, 2006 at 4:27 pm
you’ve only been here 2 years dipshxt, you have to right to complain about these things, go back to wherever you tool
shannon // Apr 8, 2006 at 5:46 pm
People who walk slow. What is your deal?
my deal is that I just had hip surgery. before that, my deal was that I had major arthritis in my hip and it was painful to walk. sheesh. didn’t you ever consider some people have pain issues w/ their back, legs, feet, hips?
suj // Apr 8, 2006 at 6:01 pm
you gonna let this guy skate with that?!!
BLOG WAR!!!!
fortner // Apr 8, 2006 at 7:59 pm
dang Amish, maybe I won’t come visit next week then… I don’t want to be the target of another scathing blog entry
bwahaha // Apr 8, 2006 at 8:37 pm
I feel your pain in D.C.
Try to catch your Metro train to work when the Cherry Blossoms are blooming, all the middle schools in the U.S. are visiting the museums, and every freakin’ tourist is standing on the left side of the escalator. They should have a law that requires all tourists to stay in their hotel rooms until rush hour is over on the Metro.
anonymous chick // Apr 9, 2006 at 12:37 am
This was one of the funniest post I’ve ever read. I was on the floor cracking up. I forwarded it to all my friends!! Wish more people thought the way you do!
Alyson // Apr 9, 2006 at 4:10 am
I happen to be from Minneapolis but my mom is from Duluth. I moved to NY last year to teach and I just about died when I saw the random Duluth comment. Yes, I agree with the previous poster about people taking pics of the aerial bridge
Marie // Apr 9, 2006 at 1:41 pm
This pet peeve involves NY’ers and tourists. When sidewalks are covered by construction scaffolding that you have to walk inside of b/c the sidewalk is closed…. and idiots walk inside them with their umbrellas open. Everyone coming in the opposite direction has to dodge to keep from getting nailed in the eye.
And let’s not forget the idiots who try to keep walking side by side inside these walkways. Or the jerks who walk on the opposite side. Or the lady jamming the double stroller through it. Argh. God, I want to kill them all.
Anonymous // Apr 10, 2006 at 12:21 pm
I hate every transplanted asshole who thinks they are a New Yorker. All the tourists are good for is a laugh. I don’t care what the fuck they are doing - so piss off and go back to where ever the fuck your from assholes
person // Apr 10, 2006 at 4:48 pm
why don’t you just leave then?
i’m sure ny will be fine without you.
manan // Apr 10, 2006 at 4:58 pm
what is this “walking” thing you speak of?
Laura // Apr 11, 2006 at 3:34 pm
I hate fucking new yorkers in LA. They can’t fucking drive!!! Get out of my way u bastard or I’ll shoot your head off.
Amish // Apr 11, 2006 at 10:57 pm
Laura- Isn’t LA just one big traffic jam? Are New Yorkers really to blame? (That’s an honest question….I haven’t been to LA)
The rest of you- Your comments are fucking hilarious. Some of you have completely missed the humor in this post. You remind me that sometimes New Yorkers (including my “transplanted” self) take things a little too seriously.
Lev // Apr 16, 2006 at 1:25 am
I miss NY. At least in NY people sympathise with you. In Atlanta, people write blogs about me for moving too fast and not stopping in the middle of the sidewalk enough.
I also am very jealous of your blog comment volume. You must divulge your secrets.
Fobiopatel's Friend // Apr 16, 2006 at 11:42 pm
I hate people who walk slow also. I don’t care if you’ve got a hip replacement or if you find something interesting. Get off the fucking sidewalk you goddamn gimps.
Go die in a fire.
Loweng // Apr 20, 2006 at 2:55 pm
Wow. There’s a lot of anger here. Guess I’ll add to it.
You’ve lived in nyc for two fucking years? And now you’re a fucking expert on which people in ny should live or die? Go the fuck back where you came from and spew your shit there. Loser.
Fobipatel's Friend // Apr 25, 2006 at 12:24 am
^^ I didn’t say I lived here for 2 years, the author did. Reading comprehension is your friend, moron.
Go die in a fire.
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