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My work assignment to East Bumblefuck, NJ has finally ended (for the time being). After almost 8 months out there, I’m back in the city now, working at my actual office, doing the regular mythological old 9-to-5 that I’ve become so unfamiliar with. And its crazy. I’ve lived here for two years, but have not actually worked here in so long that I forgot what its like to ride the subways regularly, to walk around Midtown during daylight, and just generally experience the life of a Manhattan yuppie.

The first couple of days were fantastic. I soaked it all in. I felt the same way I did two years ago when I first moved into the city. But, like riding a bicycle, there are some things you just never forget…and soon after, all the memories of things I hate about this city came rushing back in. For example,

People who walk slow. What is your deal? Don’t you have somewhere you need to be? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a liesurely stroll as much as the next person, but not on a weekday morning when I’m late for work. Seriously, what are you doing? Are you walking backwards? I hate you. I hate you and your friends for walking side-by-side, blocking the sidewalk like a group of 18-wheelers on the highway. I especially hate it when you

Have luggage. Where did you come from? Why are you walking? You’re obviously struggling. Are you going to a hotel? Get. Off. The. Sidewalk. And. Into. A. Cab. You. Cheap. Ass. Also, please

Stop taking pictures. Welcome to New York. We have big buildings. You don’t need to take a picture of all of them. Seriously, you just took a picture of a Starbucks. I don’t care if you work at a Starbuck’s in Deluth, Minnesota. Who takes a picture of a Starbucks? And who does it

With a disposable camera? Question….how many of those things are you buring through? Enough to buy an ACTUAL camera? You spent all that money getting to New York and now you’re talking C-grade pictures? Next time, why don’t you give ME 10 bucks, I’ll punch you in the face, and you’ll leave New York with a better memory. If you MUST take pictures, don’t do it

During rush hour. Do you not see the thousands of other people walking around? Do you think its the best time to be standing still? If you stop in front of me, I will bump into you. I won’t apologize. I will also walk right through your picture. Depending on my mood, I might smile. But I definitely won’t duck. And DO NOT try to get me to take your picture. Don’t hand me your camera. And definitely do not

Hand me a flyer. I know you’re not a tourist but I hate you just as much. If I’m walking by with headphones on and my hands in my pockets, do you think I want your flyer? Even if I was in the market for a suit or shoes or burrito, do you think I’d go buy one from you because you handed me a flyer? Also, I’m a dude. I don’t need a designer handbag. Hand your flyers to the tourists. And while you’re at it, let them know that they shouldn’t

Crowd around the MetroCard machines. I know that coming up with the answer to “Do you want a receipt?” can be difficult, but do you really need your whole family to help you out with it? Please tell Billy Bob and Sally May to wait patiently by the wall, rather than blocking the machines on either side of you.

I hate tourists. And flyer people.