I’m Sick of Whores

Lately, I’ve been getting requests from RANDOM people asking me to be their friend on [insert Internet social network that used to be cool but now is only fun for looking up ugly people to make fun of them].

No offense to ugly people.

But anyway, today I got a request on facebook from a random Indian class of 2007 diaper dandy from UC Davis. I checked out his profile, just to see if it was someone that I did in fact know, or was remotely connected to, but completely forgot about because they meant absolutely nothing to me.

Nope, he wasn’t even lucky enough to earn that honor.

When did people start doing this? I mean, we’ve always had the people who were trying to claim some false sense of popularity by boosting their “friend counts.” You know…the people that say:

Hey-you’re-my-cousin’s-girlfriend’s-brother’s-college-classmate, or

I-think-we-went-to-high-school-together-but-we-haven’t-talked-
since-then-and-actually-I-don’t-think-we-talked-to-each-other-back-
then-either-but-now-that-we-never-see-each-other-face-to-face-
do-you-want-to-be-my-friend?

That’s tolerable. But honestly, when did people start slutting themselves out to randoms like Courtney Love at a heroin dealer’s convention. Its getting ridiculous. A couple months ago, I got a friendster request from some guy in Malaysia. I don’t even know where the hell that is!

Anyway, back to UC Davis schmuck.(Am I even allowed to use that word?) Rather than quietly rejecting this guy’s friendship, I decided to write him a quick message…you know, find out more about him, how he thought he knew me, what connection we have, what his life was all about, etc…simple little pre-friendship questions that I like to ask people.

My message to him:

who the hell are you?

I figured the other questions would be implied. They weren’t. His response [verbatim]:

We have the same last name! So we should be friends!

Buy some needle and thread and sew up your man-hole, you pathetic Internet whore! Our last name is SHAH, which is the Indian equivalent of Johnson. According to the latest census, there are almost 17 million of us in the United States ALONE! That’s all you could come up with? The same last name? Are you fucking kidding me?! I have more in common with a New York City pidgeon. You are going to have to come up with something better than that if you want to be my friend, dude.

Actually, wait. I take that back. You don’t need to come up with anything. I don’t want you to be my friend. I don’t want to ever get to know you. Let’s face it, there are only two reasons I am still a member of these Internet social scenes….

1) To make fun of ugly people
2) To wait for an extremely hot chick to be turned on by a picture of me on a mechanical bull and send me a message with a time, place, and bathroom stall number, so that we can…you know….

…create blog magic

I’m rejecting your ass.