Last night, my roommates and I settled down on our couch with a box of pizza to watch the new episode of Entourage. We were about 10 minutes into the show when Sachin starts squirming in his seat, points at the kitchen, and yells out:

oh my god! there’s a fuckin….crow!…it’s huge!…fuck…OH MY GOD!

Sujeet and I both look at him and try to figure out what the fuck he’s trying to say. Sujeet pauses the show (we have DVR) and says

There’s a fucking bird in the kitchen?!

Sachin shakes his head and spends the next minute trying to explain to us that a big bug just flew into the kitchen through the open window. He’s so shaken up that he can barely speak. A three year old could have formed better sentences in this situation. Sujeet is still on the couch trying to understand what Sachin is saying. I lean back with another slice, half listening, half thinking to myself that my roommates are gigantic pussies. Remember, I grew up in Florida. Bugs are nothing new to me.

The next minute, the bug pops out of the kitchen for a second before flying back in. All of us, including me, yell out

HOLY SHIT!

The thing was a FUCKING MONSTER. To give you an idea of how big this bug was, I drew the following picture, which is drawn pretty close to scale:

We huddled around the entrance of the kitchen trying to figure out what to do. We could see the gigantic freakbug buzzing around the kitchen light. Sachin was holding a pillow, ready to use it as a shield. Sujeet noted that the bug was attracted to light, so he suggested we shut off all the lights. That lasted for like .05 seconds. We quickly realized that not being able to see that motherfucker was scarier than having him buzzing around. We turn the light back on and after a few seconds, the gigantic freakbug stopped flying for a minute to rest on the ceiling. It was aGIGANTIC MUTANT UPSIDE DOWN HANGING BUG!

At this point, we decided that the kitchen window should be opened further to give the bug more room to fly out. The problem was that the window was on the other side of our small kitchen. That meant that one of us had to walk underneath the bug of doom to the other side, open the window, and walk back underneath the bug and out of the kitchen. I’m not really sure what logic applied here, but the next thing I know, I’m crouching quitely through the kitchen trying not to disturb the great beast. I get the window open and shimmy back out. The bug has not moved. Did the motherfucker fall asleep?

I then decided I needed to disturb the bug so that he would wake up and fly out of the window. I was still holding a paper towel from when I was eating pizza, and I tried to throw it up at the freakbug. But it was too light and it barely made it above eye level before fluttering back down to the ground. I needed something heavier. I immediately eyed a ping pong ball sitting on our kitchen counter, leftover from our beer pong games the night before. I grabbed the ball and threw it up at the bug, missing by just inches. Damn. Then, in what is probably one of the goofiest scenes in the history of our apartment, the ball bounced off the ceiling, took two bounces on the kitchen floor and flew straight out the window, falling 16 floors to the ground. Woops!

Next, I eyed the broom that was sitting just outside the kitchen. I picked it up, and tried to execute a swift sweeping motion in which I push the freakbug off the ceiling and out of the window. That worked for about .00002 seconds. At .00003 seconds, the bug kicked in its gigantic freakwings and started fluttering again, causing all of us to jump and move away from the kitchen entrance.

Sachin took over and tried to do the same thing when the bug game to rest on our cabinet. Over and over we failed to sweep it out, when all of a sudden the bug disappeared. “Did it fly out the window?” I asked to Sachin. He responded with a no, saying that it wasn’t near the window when it disappeared and that he thought it was inside one of the open cabinets. I took over the broom again and slowly crept into the kitchen, peering around the edge of the fridge and into the cabinet, trying to figure out where it was. When I mentioned I couldn’t see it, Sachin crept in as well, eyeing the space above the fridge, with Sujeet right behind him at the entrance of the kitchen.

What happened next was almost like something out a horror movie. We stood there looking around at the ceiling and cabinets, uncomfortable with the silence of the missing bug. All of a sudden, the familiar whirring sound of the freakbug’s wings broke the silence as it came out unexpectedly from under the fridge. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. The motherfucker was at our feet, and the three of us bonded in a moment of screaming like 6 year old girls. Sujeet who was closest to the entrance, went into an all-out backwards sprint, stopping only when he slammed into the front door and fell to the ground. Sachin and I simultaneously tried to leave out of the one doorway of the kitchen, bumping into each other repeatedly, each one of us trying to get out first, freakbug still buzzing around our head and feet. I ran straight towards the couch. Sachin ran straight towards his pillow. All of us still screaming like little girls.

After we caught our breaths, Sachin decided he had had enough of our non-violent tactics and he was going to kill the beast. The bug had settled on the ground, so Sachin took the broom and swung.

Thwack.

Bzzzzzzzz….

The fucker is still alive AND FLYING. He settles down again. Thwack.

Bzzzz…bzzzz..zzz

HE IS STILL GOING. Somehow he ends up flying into a bowl thats underneath a plate in our kitchen sink. WHAT…THE…FUCK? What do we do now? None of us was quite sure if he was dead or not. Sujeet suggests we drown him in the bowl, and starts filling it with water. Finally, it seems like the bug has died, but now what? We had a motionless gigantic freakbug sitting in our kitchen sink and all of us were too scared to do anything. In the back of our minds, we thought there might be a good chance that the bug might rise from his watery grave and fight us off. Sachin adds more water for good measure and we decid that the bug should be thrown out the window. Great, but who’s gonna do it? We launch into a frantic discussion…

Sachin: I did the dirty work of hitting it with the broom!
Sujeet: I did the dirty work of drowning it in the sink!
Sachin: Amish, you only opened the window!
Amish: But…
Sachin: Come on! You’re from Florida!
Amish: But…
Sachin and Sujeet: JUST DO IT!

There was no escaping this. I had been sacrificed and had to face the beast. With extra care, I lifted the bowl out of the sink and carried it over to the window, unsure if the movement inside was from the water or because the bug was still alive. I made it over to the window, and in the process of tossing the bug out, almost threw the whole damn bowl to the ground. The window was slammed shut, and peace was restored.