Part of the reason that there haven’t been many blog updates lately is because I’ve been in Chicago since last Friday. I had a training thing for work earlier in the week, and decided to extend my trip for a few days so I could hang out with some friends, and I’ve been working in my company’s Chicago Office while here. The trip has been a LOT of fun, but nothing really blog-worthy has happened, aside from Jigar saying “He’s watching the game” when I asked what Stevie Wonder was doing dancing wierdly in his seat at the Pistons game.

That all changed today…

Shortly after lunch, I felt a familiar grumbling in my stomach. “Ah,” I thought as I smiled, “Time for my midday bathroom break!” I headed toward the bathroom, ready for what fun lay ahead of me.

As I sat down, I prepared myself. This was gonna be big. Over the course of the next few minutes, I did more than pay homage to the porcelain gods. I sacrificed a small child and became a priest in the Brotherhood of Bowel Movements. As I sat there, I could hear a number of people entering and leaving the bathroom, and under normal circumstances, I would have tried to exercise some level of control and quietness as I sat in my stall. But as I mentioned earlier, I was in the Chicago office. “No one here knows who the fuck I am, and they are never going to see me again,” I thought to myself. I let my battle-shits fly!

Now, in most situations, I pay close attention to the whereabouts of other people in the bathroom, so that when I’m done I can flush, wash my hands, and walk out without seeing anyone. To me, making eye contact after going #2 is VERY awkward. But once again, since I was in Chicago I didn’t care who was in the bathroom or where. I was done crapping, and I was going back to my desk, regardless of who I encountered along the way.

At this point, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Oh god, what happens next?” You might even be predicting the ending of this story, like maybe the toilet didn’t flush, or maybe it exploded, or maybe I ran into one of the partners in NY and he gave me a mean look. Nope. None of that happened. The toilet flushed quite nicely actually. Read on…

While flushing, I could hear someone milling around by the sink. Big fucking deal. I exited the stall, looked up, and stopped DEAD in my tracks.

Oh….My….God…

You don’t know awkward until you’ve dropped a deuce that would make Satan cry, and then stared straight into the eyes of…

…a WOMAN!

Um…

My heart, after momentarily stopping beating, is now racing.

Oh…uh…

All words have failed me. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, I gather a few words into a coherent thought.

Am…I…in the wrong…place?

She’s looking at me with a look of nervousness and contempt. I’ve disturbed her. My fears about going to the bathroom have manifested themselves in the WORST POSSIBLE WAY. I can feel myself about to collapse. She speaks.

Oh! Maybe I am??

She is dumbfounded. Thank God. Maybe I have no need for fear. Maybe she’s the idiot! That bitch is in MY TERRITORY. We both quickly look around and take note of the bathroom.

Higher-than-usual number of stalls.

Interesting. That means nothing.

Complete lack of urinals

Uh oh…

TAMPON MACHINE ON THE WaLL

Game. Set. Match.

What I felt next is…beyond words. I don’t know how to describe it. My mind and body went through the full spectrum of human feeling. I pray to God I never go through that again.

I walked straight out of the bathroom, not even pausing to wash my hands. As I left, I heard:

This will be our little secret!