This past Memorial Day weekend, I went home to Florida to attend The Most Ridiculous Wedding Ever (TMRWE). On one of the nights, a couple friends and I decided to visit one of the, ahem, Gentleman’s Clubs that populate the Cocoa Beach area. I was low on cash, but had just enough money to pay the cover and get myself a beer. An hour later, one of the patron’s of the establishment (read: white, white, WHITE trash) taps me on the shoulder and points to the ground. What do I find underneat my seat, sitting there in its scrunched up, perfume scented glory? A FIVE DOLLAR BILL!

(Those of you who know me well know where this is going)

$5 in Melbourne, FL can go a loooong way. So what did I do With my new-found strip-club riches? I grabbed my two buddies, and went and got us all…

THREE BEAN BURRITOS AND A DOUBLE DECKER TACO SUPREME!

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Other memorable moments from TMRWE:

-The wedding was held at this huge ass resort near Disney World. No expense was spared, and from what I heard, over 800 guests were there. The whole deal was very extravagant, but the two things that struck me most were the JUMBOTRON at the ceremony, and the ICE LUGES at the reception. I’m not joking. A jumbotron and ice luges! It was like being back in college!

-The groom and I used to take private tennis lessons from the same tennis instructor. His tennis instructing career took a turn for the worse (I won’t get into the details), and I guess he now manages a valet service, which was hired for the wedding. Can you imagine how awkward that was? “Oh…hello tennis coach….how’s it going….um…keep it in the shade?”

-When you’re at a big wedding, you obviously meet a ton of new people. Sometimes you start conversations with people without ever learning their name, and then a few minutes down the line, you make that awkward, Wait-what-the-fuck-is-your-name, introduction. On two seperate occasions this weekend, I heard the following response from a person I had JUST met: “Wait? Your name’s Amish? The one with the blog?….Man, that stuff about the longest day of your life was hilarious!” I am not making this stuff up. I feel like a fucking celebrity. A celebrity who’s fans consist of like 9 friends, and now two random people.

-A question for all you brown people…Have you heard that Indian song “It’s the Time to Disco.” It’s from the movie Kal Ho Na Ho, and is lyrically one of the biggest pieces of crap ever. The movie was released in 2003! It is definitely NOT the time to disco!! That does not mean, however, that I will refrain from performing the “robot”, “liquid nose-grab body flow thing”, and of course the “point to the air and then to the ground on the other side of your body” maneuvers EVERYTIME I HEAR THE SONG. God damn, talk about guilty pleasures.

EDIT: I can’t believe that I completely forgot this story when I first made this post.
-After the reception, we all headed up the Bride and Groom’s suite for a big afterparty. The hotel was kind enough to supply the alcohol. And by alcohol, I mean they literally took one of those mobile bars that you see at wedding receptions and rolled the motherfucker up into the suite. The thing was stocked and we abused the hell out of it. Anyway, somewhere between shots of Patron, the Bride, in more or less the same words, says to me,

“Amish, I had a crush on you back in the day.”

The Bride. Who is, at the time of the statement, MARRIED. The Bride of THE MOST RIDICULOUS WEDDING EVER.

IT COULD’VE BEEN ME!